so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
