No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
They have beer where we have blood.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
