Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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