I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
