The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
