I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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