Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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