Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
