apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
