Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
