Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
