enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
