We named our party play list daddy issues
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
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Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
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i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.