I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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