i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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