I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
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Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.