I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Fuck me I smell like cheese