i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"