just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!