I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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