A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
