I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
