I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
