I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
