im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
