Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.