I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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