ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
