community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
