I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
