we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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