I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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