What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
