its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
FUCK WHALES
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