last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
