bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
