and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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