Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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