I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Farmville is her only friend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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