y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
