can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
