you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
