remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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