Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That was before I lit my hair on fire
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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