why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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