Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
