How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
