If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
