We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
