for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We just shotgunned beers for America
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
