Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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