if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
