You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
