There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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