watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
