"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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