im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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