Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
