Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
