I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
