I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
