dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
