In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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