update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
