After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
