Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
