dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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