I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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