Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
